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Generator
Dear My Main Man Dr. Motorhead,
I was
pumped, psyched, wound up and ready to finish my boat and have the
best “Chick
Magnet”
on the water. Here is where it all started. I went to the
Minneapolis boat show for the
first time
in January 2003. I could not believe my eyes. The boats there were
awesome. I saw everything from classics at the BSLOL display to
super cool 40 footers with 1,200-horse power. What Babe in her right
mind wouldn’t go for the layout on these 40-foot “speedos”? I
mean Dude, fur on the walls, mirrors on the ceilings, disco lights
around the perimeter and the most radical mega thumping hyper-bass
stereos one could imagine. It was truly inspiring. When I got home I
popped open a cold one, closed my eyes and imagined myself sitting
on a boat like this surrounded by a half dozen bikini clad women in
high heels. Oh, could life be this great? Absolutely, I thought.
Then suddenly I snapped from my daydream and with
a flash, realized this vision could even be better. Danny, I said to
myself, you could have the best of both worlds. Turn your 1958
31-foot Constellation into a pleasure palace. That’s it man, you
are a genius. Think of it, the classic cruiser. Crusin’ in my
cruiser, the mere thought sent chills up my spine. All the Babes
will go for it. The classic boat with a new pleasure palace
interior. Nothing stopping me now, no sir.
Oh wait man, my bubble just burst, I thought to
myself; none of this far out electrical stuff runs on 6 volts. I
also wanted one of those 120-volt inverter things so I could operate
a blender and a DVD player and television set. It says right on the
box you need 12 volts to operate this inverter thing. What was I
going to do? How do these inverter things even work? Man, this was
too much to take for one afternoon. My dreams, my hopes, my
aspirations to be the “Stud” of Lake Minnetonka were wiped out.
Gone in an instant right before my very eyes.
“Dude”, my roommate said, “get real you can
have it all just like your vision”. “Convert man, just
convert”, he insisted. “No way Jose, I am not going to church
and settle down, or any of that stuff; not me man”. “Not that
kind of convert”, he insisted. “Your generators Clyde, make them
12 volt”, he proclaimed. “That’s it Einstein, you’re a
genius”, I declared “ I am going to start tomorrow. Get me
another cold one, we’re celebrating”.
No big deal I thought, in fact I had the Doctor Motorhead article
from a few years ago on what to do and how to convert 6 to 12 volt,
no sweat for this guy. Twelve volts here I come. But your Doctor
Dudeship, this is where my troubles began.
Last spring was the beginning. I could almost feel
the Babes flocking to my boat as I began removing the generators.
Sent them out to Sparky’s Generator and Used Clothing Shop to be
converted. Oh did I tell you, I have twin engines, cool huh? Bought
new batteries, switched over all the electrical stuff and was ready.
Threw in the re-built
generators and fired the engines for my first ride of the season. I
was going to do the remodeling and electronics over the summer.
Heck, one thing wrong though, they wouldn’t charge. My ammeter
showed “0”-- one big goose egg. The generator wasn’t
generating. Heads were going to roll; somebody screwed up big time
and I was getting anxious. Took them out and brought them back to
have them fixed so they would work properly. Dropped them off and
later got a call to pick them up. When I got there I asked,
“What’s the deal banana peal? Why didn’t you do it right the
first time?” The Dude behind the counter said, “nothing-wrong
man”. “Tested out just fine, throwing out 12 volts and the
cutouts are doing their deal at 800 RPM man.” So he said, “Put
them back in and go out and get the Chicks like you said you wanted,
can’t do nothing for you here”. Seems odd, I thought, how could
they work here and not in my boat? Oh well, put them in and go for
it I thought. Doc, same thing happened the second time -- no juice
man this is getting serious. My roommate said, “Those guys at
Sparky’s are hosing you man”. Bring them across town to
Magneto’s, the Italian generator shop. Get them done right and sue
Sparky for all he is worth. So I did, brought them to Magneto’s, I
told them they didn’t work and my attorney was in touch with
Sparky as we speak. Two precious weeks go by and I finally get a
call to come get my stuff. I got there and asked, “Well, what did
you have to do?” “Nothing man, nothing.” What? “Nothing man,
nothing.” “Sparky did a great job, both work just fine, 12
strong volts and the cutout trips at 800 rpms, perfect man,
perfect.” “Put them back in and use your boat.” I was blown
away. Now I had to sue my roommate for suggesting I convert. Not
only did I not know why my generators weren’t generating, I also
had no idea of why there’s a cutout on a generator anyway. Things
were getting more complicated, not less.
I put them back in like I was told and you guessed
it, they still didn’t work. I was bummed to the max. My dreams
were gone, blown away. What will I do? Do I have a jinxed boat? No
stereo, no TV, no disco lights. The fur on the walls and the mirrors
on the ceiling just aren’t enough without all the electronics. It
just wasn’t working man, the Chicks never showed up at the dock.
So it must be the lack of electronics. I need 12 volts big time,
help me. Help Doc, get me converted. If you do, I’ll meet you at
Lord Fletchers and buy you a Long Island Ice Tea or something.
Signed, Disco
Danny
PS: By the way, you may have seen me at Fletchers before; I’m the
Dude with the Gold Chains.
Dear Danny,
Gold chains? How am I supposed to tell you apart from the other 300
Dudes with gold chains on any given night at Fletchers? Give me a
break. Perhaps I should identify you as the one with the battery
chargers in your boat. You aren’t related to Dave Schmidt by any
chance are you?
Dude, you don’t have a problem, except perhaps
with your life style. I will be the first to tell you, believe me.
Here is what you got going. Get ready to party. You will be
converted. Electronics, you and your “Chick Magnet” are soon to
be one and the same. When I received my Doctorate, I took an oath; I
offer advice to anyone on any mechanical or electrical problem
regardless of life style, religion, means or gold chains.
So are you ready to swing down? Here’s the
skinny. Plain and simple, your generators are on the wrong engine.
Unlike alternators, which you don’t have, generators work in one
direction only. The port engine (or for you the left one) turns
clockwise or digital if your watch has no hands. The starboard
engine (or for you the right one) turns counter clockwise or
anti-digital if your watch has no hands. If you have the right hand
generator on the left hand engine you will get nothing, “nada”
as they say south of the border. Take them off and switch them to
the opposite engine and you will be picking up Babes faster than you
can say, “Where’s my “Pina Colada”
Cutouts break the electrical connection to the
battery. Remember boys and girls, current runs in either direction.
If you shut down your engine the battery will supply power to your
generator. Or better said, the generator will draw power from your
battery. This will want to make your generator operate like an
electric motor. In turn, running down your battery while shortening
the life of the generator. So, if all you campers out there wanted
to know why your ammeter didn’t move and show that you were
charging until you reached 800 to 1,000 rpms this is why. The cutout
switches on and off the connection from your generator so it can
generate instead of degenerate if you will.
As far as those 120 volt inverter things, where
they turn 12 volt DC current to 120 volt AC current, I don’t know
how they work either. It’s one of those things I just chalk up to
magic.
Catch you on the rebound Dude,
Dr. Motorhead
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