Dear Dr. Motorhead,
You have to picture this; I am sitting on the beach with my shades donned and straw hat positioned properly to cover my slightly- burned balding head. I am smoking a fine cigar and sipping on some of the best Canadian whisky Mexico has to offer with a small umbrella tilted slightly in the glass. It gives me great pleasure to know that you and your trusted assistant, Piston, are in the frozen tundra preparing experiments to determine the worthiness of the two products I have recommended to our fine members of BSLOL and the world. I am not sure if your skepticism stems from the fact you have never heard of these great products, or that the recommendation comes from me. (See the Dr. Motorhead article in the last issue of the BoatHouse) I, too, have a bit of knowledge on the proper use and maintenance of our fine wood boats and their motors. Remember, I am a close and personal friend of Lou Brisitys; that itself should tell you a bunch. I also know people in high places. For instance, I am proud to know and call T. David Burns my close compatriot and soul mate.
So Mister Smarty pants, why dont you fill in our fellow ACBSers on what you have learned while
performing your competency tests on the Stabil fogging oil and PB penetrating oil as described to you by my other close and personal friend, Happy Wanderer.
Now picture this again – me on the beach, basking in the sunlight, 80 degrees, with the crystal blue water lapping at my feet. You in Minnesota in the frigid cold with frozen lakes wondering if your car will start in the morning. Oh, by the way, why arent you speaking at the upcoming ACBS Symposium in April? I hear all the experts will be there to enlighten and educate the many participants.
Very truly yours Im sure,
Dear Mr. Bobo,
Man, Im impressed! David Burns – one of your dearest friends and soul mate. I have never had the opportunity to meet him, but have heard good things from people all across North America. Isnt he a member of the Canadian Parliament? Wasnt he one of our esteemed international judges a number of years ago at our Rendezvous? I wasnt there that year to meet him. Sorry, I was in consultation with the Pope. He was looking for some advice on keeping the Vaticans fleet running properly and economically in addition to other matters that I am not divulged to discuss. Or – wait a minute – was that the year I was with President George H. W. Bush and his entire Cabinet discussing my then, new theory, regarding hydrogen and the fuel cell. Oh, I dont remember which one but I do have some information regarding Stabil fogging oil and PB penetrating oil.
Thank you for your discoveries. I have the following good news for our readers. First, lets discuss the fogging oil. What a good fogging oil should do is get into the combustion chamber and spread a small film of oil coating everything inside. This is best done while the engine is running and pulled through the carburetor. If you just pour some oil into the spark plug holes, it doesnt coat the valves and seats and everything else as it should. As you can visualize, it is sometimes a difficult task to pour a liquid fogging oil from the can up hill, as you have to do with our old updraft carbs. Many fogging oils that come in a spray can send out a stream that is just as tough to get sucked in if you will. This Stabil product does a great job of atomizing the oil to ensure it is pulled into the combustion chamber. I can assume from the chemical analysis performed by Piston, the lubricating qualities are, and will be, satisfactory for the six months of winter storage.
WD 40 has always been the good stand by for displacing moisture, freeing rusted parts and providing a good lubricant and protector. This PB penetrating oil really works well in that application but wait until you use it to free rusted nuts and bolts or anything else that is rusted; it will blow you away. I cannot be biased because the label says As seen on TV anymore. I would also recommend its use.
So Mr. Bobo, there are a few good tricks you can teach this old dog. They both now have and carry the Dr. Motorhead seal of approval. Mexico? Ha! I would encourage you to drink a lot of water directly from the tap; I hear it is medicinal and therapeutic for us Gringos.
In regards to the ACBS Symposium, Piston and I were invited as keynote speakers for the event. I have enclosed my memo to the organizers and Steve Merjanian, as they contacted Mr. Merjanian in an effort to locate me, for your review and understanding. I would encourage you to attend even though I am unable to.
The good Doctor
From The Desk Of Dr. Motorhead
Frostbite Falls, MN
February 2, 2005
Memo to: Steve Merjanian, Roger Smith, Gordon Millar Regarding: ACBS Symposium
Thank you for the call and your interest in my able-bodied assistant Piston and myself attending and speaking at the upcoming Symposium this April. It comes as a great honor to be considered and stand amongst my esteemed colleagues and offer my understanding and experience in the existential knowledge of mind over motor. However, it comes with great regret that I must decline your request to participate and speak at the before mentioned affair.
As a matter of explanation to you all, both Piston and I have suffered greatly from the current NHL lockout. We, as Minnesotans, feel very hockey-deprived. As a matter of good therapy and advice from other masters of Garage Logic, we have planned a trip to Fiji in April. You see it is the traditional time for the annual South Pacific Hockey Association final four championships. Steve, you may recall that Piston was the all-conference player as goalie his senior year at the University of Hawaii. It will serve as a break from the cold, a reunion with old friends and a good dose of hockey for us both. Our airline tickets are non-refundable which adds yet another factor towards our decision to hold our original plans.
We wish you the very best of luck with your event and please say hi to all our ACBS acquaintances and friends at the Museum.
With kind regards,
Dr. Fred Motorhead
PS: Besides, there is only one person who knows my true identity. My anonymity must not be compromised, otherwise I would have to issue cyanide capsules to all those who met me and learned of my true self. A very unpleasant thought for such a worthy and pleasant experience you are planning at the museum for all.